Ok at the moment I am feeling useless & wondering when things are going to get better in life. My best friend, or
I think & she tells me she is my best friend, is more concerned these holiday's on going to the movies with her friends
a her school than coming down to see me. I don't know if I am being selfish but she sees her friends everyday & always
talks to them, but with me we talk on MSN on weekends during the day & at night for a few hours only on the weekdays.
I never see her unless it is during the holidays!!! I sometimes wonder what is going to happen & if she really thinks
of me as a friend or just uses me for things, I know I should trust her because she is my friend but I can't help but feel
this way. Will we always remain friends for the rest of our lives or will we move on in a few years & never see eachother
again?
She frequently tells me of how much fun she has up there at her place & it saddens me the fact that I sit at home
with no contact with people other than my family while she is up at her place wrestling with friends (some of them boys) in
the dark! I wish I could join the fun but I can't, I guess I am jelous!
I am thinking more & more of hurting myself & have a hard time of thinking of reasons to live. Reasons that I
think are good I seconds later think up a way that destroys it. Like living because if I die I leave everyone behind, I think
maybe they would be better off without me! I don't know what I am meant to do. I write things on here to make me feel better
but I know there are only a few people I can tell. I can't tell my best friend 'cause she wouldn't exactly understand, my
parents would probably send me to a councillor but all that would do is get me to talk about it. It is not all the time I
feel depressed, some days I am really happy & think why I was depressed & other days I wish I was happy so I wouldn't
feel this way.
I should stop before I 1) start crying & 2) start saying bad things about myself that may convince me to do something.
Bye for now Lena
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ok first off the date is the 9/10/05 & I as usual wonder when life will get better. I have realised that I am very
insecure about things, people do even the slightest things, even if they don't realise it, & I think about it completely
& most likely too much. For example my best friend is lying to someone & I keep telling her that she shouldn't do
it but she continues the lie with no regrets! Now think of things for a sec the way I do, if she can lie to someone she doesn't
know sooo easily then imagine how easy she would find it to lie to me! Now you see what I mean.
Also the other day my best friend & my 2nd cousin came over, you would think things would be fine & I would be
happy but that was only about a third of the time when we were around my parents. They paid little attention to me & just
talked & made me feel like I wasn't even there & if I ever said anything they never heard it! I also got pissed off
at them a few times that I left the room so I could go outside & get away from them. Unfortunately when I am alone I think
about things so basically I questioned my friendship with my friend & if my cousin loved my like he says he does &
I actually cried a little which I rarely do, I rarely cry 'cause I hide my feeling & keep them bottled up & I still
do I never let people really know how I feel & instead I write on here. You might wonder why on here & not in a diary,
well you see the last time I had a diary people decided to read it so yeah I no longer keep a diary for that reason, besides
I don't exactly want people reading this that I don't want to read this 'cause they will make a big deal about it.
Ok I am going to stop otherwise this will never end if I keep talking about my insecurities, remember if I have told
you to read this then TELL NO ONE remember you promised not to. Bye people.
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