19/2/06... Yes I am writing on here again... just little selfish, self centred me as I am known by
some to be.
At the start of the year I didn't think I would have to write on here again since me & my best
friend promised not to fight anymore... didn't seem to last long, she started the fight this time 'cause apparently she got
sick & tired of me being childish. Now I realise that being 16 I shold be mature but I like to hold on to my child like
self 'cause you have forever to be an adult & very little time to be a child. She went off at me for being childish while
talking on msn, now reasons I act childish 1) to make people think I am cute & 2) to try & make people laugh. My best
friend has a natural ability which is cool where sher can make anyone laugh... me to make people laugh either requires it
to be written down or thought before or a spur of the moment which rarely happens. Therefore I try to make people laugh when
ever i can by being childish.
Sometimes I wonder how hard it would be to run away & start life anew somewhere else. Or I wonder
if I should talk to a councillor & see what they have to say.
Now some of you might not believe what I do but I believe that things happen for a reason, now if
they do then why are me & my best friend having fights all the time? What is the reason? what is going to come out of
it?
Now I am slightly pissed at my best friend for another reason. On her msn my space her sister has
written something to me which I read that basically said that i was a selfish bitch & stop thinking only of myself. I
asked her to erase it since the whole world didn't need to know what someone thinks of me. Did she no 'cause she says that
her sisters words are wisdom. The message was for me not for everyone else to read. Do I frequently got on peoples msn space
& tell them what i think of someone else... no I don't & if someone said something about someone i know about I would
delete it off my msn space since it 1) isn't everyones buisness & 2) it is very depressing to read that someone really
thinks that badly of you that they don't understand why someone is friends with you.
Right now at this moment i want to either run away from life or kill myself. I am getting the feeling
of wanting to do it. Something only one person knows, I have tried cutting my hand with a blade, I did a few small cuts that
went through about 1 layer of skin & got 1 cut & cut over it so it went through a few layers, it hurt a bit but I
was that pissed that I didn't really care. The blade is looking really inviting at the moment, but this time I am thinking
of going deeper so blood can run free.
Now I should stop other wise I will 1) cry like i hate doing since it isn't me & when I do try
to cry I can't which makes me feel like a heartless bitch & 2)I will grab the blade from somewhere on my desk & use
it & then type on here if I came to blood or not...
cya L8r... maybe
Lena
